Re-Valuing “The Feminine”

It is time to reclaim “The Feminine” in our own terms. Not as “fluff” or “wiles” or weakness or manipulation.

I was at a workshop yesterday where an executive coach was describing her response to a client who was stopped in his tracks by the tears of a direct report when he gave her negative feedback on a performance appraisal. The Coach advised her client that “women often use tears to manipulate a situation.” The “with men” part was implied.

AGGGGHHHH, I shuddered, as I heard the horiffic sound of Femicide”, i.e., when a woman takes down the reputation, presence, power of another woman – and by association, of herself.

As the Polish Union Organizer, Lech Walesa, once said, and I paraphrase: “You get more by sticking together than by hanging out there on your own.” Or as I would say: “Where is The Sisterhood when you need ‘em?”

What if the woman being appraised heard: “I’m going to be fired” in that feedback. And - work with me here - what if she just found out that her roommate was getting married and moving out, or that her significant other was taking off with “a better version of her”? Losing my financial security in either of these situations would move me directly to tears.

So, what if? It could happen.

And what does that say to the woman who is authentically expressing sadness, regret or remorse about having done a sub-standard job for that period of time? What if he’s wrong and hasn’t noticed her hard work, or attributed her efforts to her teammate? Both are starting points in a conversation about what she can do to align better with what’s expected of her there.

I would go there before I would jump into the “Feminine Wiles” end of the pool.

The Professor speaks.
My response was to point out to my Coaching Colleague that, generally, females in their upbringing are encouraged to use the full spectrum of emotions in expressing their feelings. Boys, according to acclaimed researcher, Carol Gilligan, are limited to one – anger. She found that starting as young as four, fathers tell sons who cry to “act like a man and not be a sissy”. The message is for a male to cry is a sign of weakness. And the negative message is not be a “sissy”, a word used to describe a feminized male or homosexual. Bottom line, the yucky part here is to be female. Remember the worst insult Governor Schwarzenegger could call his opponent was “girly-man.”

So, what does that say about you, girrrrrllllll?

In the research, girls most often receive negative feedback from adults in the family and in school for open displays of anger. “That’s not nice.” Or “We like to be kind to our friends, or to Uncle Harry, or the new kid in school.” While the boys take his measure by challenging him to a fight on the playground.

Ever wonder why it’s so hard not to be “nice”? And why we mask our anger at one another in indirect forms of aggression, like “zinging” another woman when she is not there.

Let’s talk about the Power of Language:

What’s in a name, you might ask. MAN-ipulate. That sounds to me like code language dropped there a long time ago ……like MANager. Now what does that say about who’s supposed to be in that role, figuring things out and telling people what to do and getting more money for it?

Mothers have been doing that for aeons - for nothing!

And then there is MEN-o-pause. What is that telling us?

End.
Carlotta